Friday, June 28, 2013

Love Thyself { possible TMI }

That sounds biblical.

But shouldn't it?  Shouldn't we love ourselves as much as our parents, siblings, spouses, friends, and children do?

This has been on my radar a lot lately.  Since becoming a mom, I've come to love my body more and hate it more.  To love myself more and hate myself more.

It's not exactly fair, it's definitely not right.  The teeter-totter is tottering back and forth and I'm not sure of the reason for the round about.  I suppose I've been on that teeter totter since I was a preteen.  Maybe younger, but I remember being a lion when I was a child.  Relatively fearless, self confident.  I dealt with bullies with aplomb.  It wasn't until I was starting puberty that the words hurt.

I want to go back to being that little, self-confident Lion.

I was never the smartest in class.  I always struggled in math, but I made up for it in History and English.  I thrived in my classes under the loving tutelage of my teachers.  But I was almost always the smallest in my class.   In 5th grade I finally hit 60lbs.  That was amazing to me and I was so excited!  I was still the smallest in class.

But I was a LION.  Self-confident and bold.

Then came puberty, that life-changing, life-affirming, brutal time of life.
Other girls had breasts.  I had none.  I stayed short and small and skinny and breastless.  But that was ok.  For a while.  Junior High was great!  I hit 100lbs and developed breasts. Small ones, but they were definitely breasts.  I was average.  Still a little small, perhaps, but average. Because we were all dorky looking.  I got glasses and thought they were the coolest thing ever.  I made friends, friends who were actual friends, who teased for jokes instead of to hurt.  We laughed at my tendency to fall down stairs and hurt myself.  Joked about goodness knows what.  Just being preteens.

High School was great. I was still small, short, and slender.  But I had friends and did fairly well in school.  I didn't stick out, so there wasn't any bullying.  Not really.  I did get told to eat a sandwich.  Regularly.  But by now I was used to it and I developed methods to deal.  I was skinny, but if I wore baggy clothes, no one really noticed.  I was short, but I came to love that.

I tried track, Mock Jury, Mock Congressional Hearings, and Choir.  I found myself in Choir and ended up majoring in Voice.  Went to University and got a degree in voice.  Went to Conservatory and got myself another.  Along the way I discovered exercise and confidence in my petite self.  I was fit, and healthy, and happy.  THRIVING.  I was a Lion again.

But every now and then, I'd hear the voices in my head:  "You're so skinny."  "Your arms are too skinny."
Not their voices anymore.  MINE.
When did I become my worst Critic?

I graduated, got married to an amazing man who loves how I look always, Got pregnant.

Never once while I was pregnant did I feel uncomfortable in my skin, ugly, or self-conscious.  The Lion was back.  I felt at home in my skin, sexy, glowing.  I was healthy and happy, growing life in me and loving every minute.
I worried about stretch marks - my mom got them badly on her stomach.
I got them on my breasts.  My stomach is stretched, but stretch marks are minimal.  I 'lucked out.'  I kind of wish they were more present.  Stretch marks are a trophy!  How did I not realize that when I was pregnant?

I went into preterm labor.  4 weeks of bedrest.  Had my baby vaginally, but there were complications and I ended up on bedrest for 8 weeks postpartum. (see: Birth story part 1; Birth story part 2; Birth Story part 3 ;4week follow up)

Better yet, I had a healthy baby. A gorgeous baby worth every week of the 12 I was on bedrest.  

Then the guilt came in.  I used to love fitness and was super in shape.  Now  I could barely walk a mile.  How did I let this happen?  My tummy was saggy, my arms 'too skinny'.

I got back on track eventually, with starts and stops, and eventually, with great care, I'm doing great and feeling great and PROUD of my mommy body.  But I still get frustrated with myself, and my body. I forget that this body and its gifts are a BLESSING.  I brought life into the world.

Things are different, I can LIST them.  But no one knows except the people who knew before.
My voice is different - warmer, harder to support, more mature.
My waist is higher - my pants don't fit the same!
my hips are wider, flatter.
my breasts are constantly changing wonders.
My stomach is no longer perfectly flat.

But you know what?  It was worth it.  My body is perfect the way it is.  I just have to remind myself and get my self-defeating attitude to admit defeat.

I was so lucky to hear about a project that a friend of a friend was doing.  I participated and the result blew my mind. 
Stacy J. Garrett - Every Woman Project

She's not the only one doing projects like this!  Also Check these out:

SO THERE!  (ok, maybe I never grew up out of the jr. high age! ;)

I have to admit, I've taken steps to force myself to see how amazing I am.  Its work these days.  But I have some amazing friends and acquaintances who have helped. Every body, every human, is a miracle.

Thursday, June 27, 2013


Its funny.
The Days FLY by.  The weeks DRAG on.  The months disappear at light speed.

Can you believe it's almost July?

I can't.  A year ago right now, my son was 1 month old.
This week he is 13 months.  
A walking, babbling, taking things apart, stacking nesting pans, climbing 13 months.
We are in SO much trouble...

Time FLIES, I tell you.

You know what else flies?  The Flies in my house.  Seriously, where did they come from.  GROSS.  ok. Not really a sticking point, but we had some lovely rainy weather for 3 days earlier this week and they all decided to move in.  And now it's supposed to be almost 100*F today. and over 100 until the 3rd of July.
EEEEEEEW (p.s. I fail at screen shots, sorry)

Anyway. I've not been here blogging, (surprise, surprise) because I've been working.  Ok. really.  no excuses.  Shall I list the life?

  • Baby Boy turned 1 and is now no longer baby boy, but Toddler Boy.  oh Boy. 
  • I took on a summer project working with the local youth symphony that is keeping me BUSY on top of my regular teaching/being a mommy schedule.  
  • Trying to get back in Shape.  No. Really.  I've actually been doing really well on this for the past couple of months and it's showing.  I'm doing Fitnessista's Summer Shape Up (and it's kicking my butt). A recent Body Mass Caliper experiment resulted in this:  
  • Can you read it?  17% body fat.  WHOAH

  • Weddings!  Two of my Hubby's lovely stepsibs are tying the knot this summer and several of my friends are doing the same.  SO Exciting.  and crazy.  :)  
So, Things are crazy. As usual.  And there is my excuse.

I keep hoping to get my butt back to blogging REGULARLY.  I have so much to say, right?  And so many posts I want to share.  It's not like my life is particularly exciting, but its a life worth having with an adorable TODDLER boy, and fun and love going around.  So, soon. 

In the meantime.  Here's what the little tyke is up to.  
  • Walking (eek)
  • Climbing (double eek!)
  • Babbling (All.The.Time. but, no real words yet other than Mmmummm, dada, nana.  We swear he's just going to break out in sentences one day)
  • Dancing!  
  • Singing!  
  • 'playing' the piano 
  • Fighting sleep (always, but when he's down, he's down)
  • Shape Sorter!  He's doing it!  :)
  • 'Reading' Books
  • Working on figuring out door handles (triple eek!)
  • teething!  we're up to 7 teeth so far.  4 bottom, 3 top.  he's lopsided and its SO cute when he gives you a cheezer grin.

That's all I can think of for the moment.  Have a lovely day all!  I'll leave you with a birthday cake photo!

And if you're looking for a fitness thing - Try out that Summer Shape Up.  you will NOT regret it!

~Errant Soprano

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Working out a schedule

Hey all,

Poking my head out again - and once again after a long(ish) absence.

Someday I'll get all my ducks in a row, I swear.
(but probably not, lets be real here!)

We've been busy bees over here and I'm finally figuring out how to be a WFHM (Work From Home Mommy) - keeping up with housework, feeding my little family, and caring for a baby as well as doing the little bits of work that I do (aka, teach music lessons).

SYS has wound down for the season, and now the Summer Chamber Workshop is taking over for me.  I have to say, despite not being the most organized in my private life, I relish this opportunity to organize EVERYTHING to keep it going smoothly.  Maybe it'll transfer over to other parts of my life and I'll blog more again!

My Guys at a friend's Birthday party
Anyway. I've gotten us on something of a schedule (Huge thank you to Gina over at the Fitnessista on this one).  I've watched one of my favorite bloggers plan for her week every week and decided to finally take a page from her book and loosely schedule my weekly meals, fitness, and cleaning in advance.  It's made a huge difference in how I shop and tidy and I've actually been managing 3 workouts a week (minimum) again! Woo hooo!  I'm feeling better, my house is looking better, my son is enjoying messing up the house more (re:cheerios everwhere)... it is WIN WIN WIN.

Helping mommy keep the house tidy.  Yeah Right! 
In other news, we are only 1 week away from the big 1!!!!  Can you believe it?  I sure can't.  My sweet boy is turning one and I'm wondering what happened to the past 2 years.  So, quick update of what he's up to now (that I can think of off the top of my head, because you KNOW this was an impromptu, during naptime post):
Check me out!!!

  • He took his first steps... and then a couple more and then a couple more. And then he stopped.  no more solo steps.  
  • He is cruising like crazy, climbing like crazy, and practicing using his go-go gadget arms... yee haw, guard your everything in his presence!
  • Lots of solid foods, eating EVERYTHING then screaming for more.  My boy is a voracious little eater, just like his daddy.
  • singing up a storm, just like mommy (he even hums when he eats like I do!)
  • Lots of syllables, but still no real words, though I swear he knows Mum, Dada, and Nana and uses them accordingly when he feels like it.
  • Lots of his own versions of baby signs, its getting easier and easier to figure out what he wants.
  • 'Dancing'  - whenever we put on music with a strong beat - he particularly likes music like J.Lo's On The Floor for the beat.  He holds on to something and bounces away.
  • careful destruction of everything, particularly to see how things work.  He took apart his cool mist humidifier the other day - oh Joy.
That's all I can think of and I hear a little voice calling me,  so my catch up post will have to end...

~Errant Soprano

Mommy's Little speed demon

Tuesday, April 16, 2013


As many of you know, I did my grad studies in Boston and the city is very dear to my heart as are the friends I made there. I was relieved to learn that my friends all seem to be fine. I can't help feeling like I am in the wrong place right now and wishing that I was in Boston to help, hug, and soothe.

My thoughts and prayers are with the families who lost loved ones and with those healing from injuries suffered in the explosion.

Boston, I love you! Stay strong!

Friday, April 5, 2013

The Lamest Ducky

I am the lamest ducky in the world when it comes to blogging...

Every since the Bebe arrived (and really, since I found out I was preggers) I've failed to keep this blog updated. My excuses are many;   There is so much (or so little) going on.  It takes too long (blargh, I'm a fast typer, that's a pitiful excuse!). I'm tired.  I can't get to the computer (actually, our office is a disaster of Everest proportions and it IS hard to get to the desktop and I HAVE rather killed my netbook, so that one might be valid), I have no ideas, I have too many ideas... etc, etc.

You get the point.

Well, I'm hoping that things are really getting better this time.  I'm trying to be a new, motivated plunker, mommy, exerciser, homemaker - ummm... we'll see about that one, did I mention our office?

So, What we've been up to in a Nutshell since I haven't posted since October or so 0_0
January's mini-show

  • I started working out
  • I auditioned for, and got cast in, a show
  • Rehearsals started
  • I stopped working out
  • Baby 5 months
  • Halloween
  • Thanksgiving
  • Baby 6 months
  • Christmas
  • Did a one off show!   :) 
  • Baby 7 months
  • I was in rehearsals
  • Baby 8 months
  • Husband was sent to Maryland for work
  • Tech Week
  • Baby got Croup
  • I was in a show
  • Baby 9 months
  • 5 Colds (spread over all this time)
  • I started working out, got sick, stopped again
  • Baby 10 months
  • work, life, stuff...
My little fam! <3 td="">
So now we're caught up! ;)  

Workout planning!
3 weeks ago, I decided to get off of my sad, fatigued butt and get moving.  I decided to start small - one large glass of water in the morning before anything else and Yoga - before the baby wakes if possible, during his first nap if not.  

See? today's workout!
That is going swimmingly! 

In the past week or two I've started adding occasional 'hard' workouts and we're trucking on that!

Last weekend I read a gluten thingy that listed some of the possible side effects of gluten intolerance (as in, when you eat it, this can happen).  I had over 6 of the health problems on the list.  Sharing may be TMI, so I won't ;), but the long and the short is that, Starting last weekend I started cutting back, Monday I dropped it all together and Yesterday and Today I'm feeling better.  I hope this lasts!  

Ok, Baby is waking, but I want to throw some photos and move on with our day! ;)

Did I mention that he's getting big?